[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
You Might Also Like
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.