[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Blew my mind.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.