{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Fight
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.