At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!