At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”