Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.