@briangaar: At this point, I'm pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
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@ingmarbirdman: *bumps into cute girl while typing on calculator* oops! got a bit carried away inventorying my lizards *makes sure she sees the 99999999999*
@carlyken: As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you're left with the last idiot standing.
@jlock17: I've stopped texting "K" and started texting "L" instead so I don't have to reach so far over with my thumb.