@briangaar: At this point, I'm pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
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@amishschool: A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by "crippling them financially" so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
@novicefather: My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss... We don't know each other's name.
@MatCro: [meeting] BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan ME: Perhapselline? MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline? B: You're incredible, Gary
@3sunzzz: Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child's dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.