At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.