@Vodkantots: At this point in my life, my biological clock isn't so much ticking as it is knitting.
@shutupmikeginn: My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
@elwaytotheend: Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
@DurtMcHurtt: 50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
@withanewname: [flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
"grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?"