Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
You Might Also Like
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in