At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
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Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Anime is real
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME