My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Oh. My. God.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today