At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac