When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.