At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait