“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I was up all night reading about insomnia
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I feel this so hard