At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello