At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!