At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I’ve had relationships like this
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’