@MarcusTheToken: At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
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@TheGladStork: Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
@simoncholland: [at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car
@BuckyIsotope: *puts leash around pet lobster* I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy *walks into Lobsterfest* COVER YOUR EYES