At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
You Might Also Like
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.