At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
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Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.