At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
You Might Also Like
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.