At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
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Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.