[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.