[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
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[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Science memes
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.