[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
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Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money