[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
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Risking my life for fun.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw