[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
You Might Also Like
For the ones in the back.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.