[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
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I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me