“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Merry Christmas
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Well, that didn’t work.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.