You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I had to Stop for this
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days