At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
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The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones