At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
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I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead