At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Do one person every day that scares you.
Can. I. Help. You.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*