At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
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I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
adam and eve had first world problems
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Guys, I found it.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich