At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
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Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!