Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.