My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.