[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Bread puns are on the rise!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places