[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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…
“Alexa?”
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
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Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*