At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
yeah 😭
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.