At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*