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@the_blacklisted: At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn't real
@Bexdora: ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.
@Springaling85: Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying "you never called! Our son is 5 now" then walk away....always brightens my day
@Lakeoconeebldr: My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
@IamDrainBamaged: I've been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.
@BradBroaddus: 1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively