At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question