@meganamram: At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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@Mr_Kapowski: If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn't have to duct tape candy around my kid's torso like a suicide bomber
@JohnLyonTweets: There's nothing like the joy on a kid's face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
@astutenewf: My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.
@capricecrane: What they say: "Wow, you're really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."