At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
pat pat
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home