@juliussharpe: At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I'm forty. I have one.
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@BestScienceJoke: Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
@iamspacegirl: "And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."
@flahertykeely: stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went "ooooo" in a chorus of dismay