@BestScienceJoke: Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

@jimmytorosian: "I'm so stoked!" -An excited fireplace

@iamspacegirl: "And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."

@flahertykeely: stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went "ooooo" in a chorus of dismay

@Midgetspar: I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments