At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Name this drama.
Software Development ⛵️
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Are we there yet?…
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on