[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
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Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
So glad we cleared that up
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
and this one
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Tony Hawk, age 6
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
“you changed” bro i was 15
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair