You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”