[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
ready to be harvested