[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
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sleeping beauty
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.