@knot_eye: [at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi...
Me: *jumps out window*
@friedmanjon: I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he's ironing.
@Brampersandon_: [Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
It's an airplane made out of cats.
It cant crash. Always lands on it's feet.
@Aspersioncast: When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
@VeryLonelyLuke: Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I'm dreading that class reunion.
@davidkenny100: Pal: On your date, go to a French restaurant. And remember! Girls love a wine connoisseur.
Me: we'll both have the wine connoisseur