@knot_eye: [at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi...
Me: *jumps out window*
@FatherWithTwins: My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?"
We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store
@PaperWash: Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
@mommy_cusses: Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
@samfromks: My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now.
Starting to get suspicious...
What kind of monster still has a VCR?
@kellyoxford: Cyclists who don't obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.