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@knot_eye: [at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi...
Me: *jumps out window*
@murrman5: if you come out with us you can't lie about making your own soup
"those days are behind me"
[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
@gerryhallcomedy: Cop: Sir, you can't use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
@OrdinaryAlso: I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
@adamthislife: Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I'm not doing too bad.
@iwearaonesie: “Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
- me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered