@knot_eye: [at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi...
Me: *jumps out window*
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
@Ygrene: Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
@Holy_Mowgli: ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn't like working at the aquarium anyway
@Underchilde: I never keep toilet paper in the guest bathroom. They don’t need that kind of incentive to visit again.
@KentWGraham: I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.