[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.