[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle