[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*